The VCR
The VCR 'is the twenty-fifth prank call in the Crotchety Old Man Calls series. Transcript ''(ringback tone) 'William: '''Audio-Video department. This is William, how may I help you? '''Milton: '''Thank God you've answered! Let me speak to the sales-schmuck that sold me this VCR! '''William: '''Which VCR? '''Milton: '''I bought a defective unit and I'm pissed beyond belief! '''William: '''All right, hold on one second, ma'am... '''Milton: '''I'm about ready to file a massive lawsuit against you! On my receipt, it said that get 100% satisfaction, is that correct?! '''William: '''Yes, it is. '''Milton: '''Well, I'm about to come down there and kick 100% of somebody's ass! '''William: '''Who's the salesman person's name on the receipt? '''Milton: '''I don't have that handy right now! '''William: '''Okay, hold on one second, ma'am... '''Milton: '''Wai-''(stammers) ''No! I'm a sir! And don't put me on terminal hold!......I'm talking to you! '''William: '''All right! '''Milton: '''I bought a VCR! '''William: '''Okay. '''Milton: '''I opened it up! I hooked it up to my TV set, the cable box, the whole nine yards- took me four hours to hook this little ''(censored) ''up! At the end of this whole process, I tried to jam in a video tape to watch it! '''William: '''Okay. '''Milton: '''It was a pornographic tape, but that's neither here nor there! '''William: '''Okay. '''Milton: '''The tape would not go into the machine! '''William: '''Okay. '''Milton: '''At that point, I noticed a foul odor coming from inside the VCR! '''William: '''Okay. '''Milton: '''I pushed the eject button!...Listen! I'm gonna put the phone up to the VCR! Tell me if you can hear this! '''William: '''Okay. ''(Milton pushes VCR eject button; ejecting gears stall) 'Milton: '''Can you hear that? '''William: '''Yes, I can. '''Milton: '''That is the eject mechanism! ''(ejecting gears continue to stall) 'Milton: '''When I hit eject, food came out! '''William: '''Food?! '''Milton: '''Yes! Food! '''William: '''Was it a brand new VCR? Did you buy an open box, or- '''Milton: '''No, it was brand new! I bought it $349.95! I hit the eject button and a moldy old sandwich infested with ants came out! '''William: '''Wow! That's the first time I even heard of something like that- '''Milton: '''Oh yeah! Sure it is! Then I hit the eject button again-! ''(Milton pushes eject button again) '''Milton: '''And, like, an eggroll came out! I have a VCR jammed with food! '''William: '''Hmm. Best thing I can tell you, sir, is to bring it back and just-search it out and get a brand new one. '''Milton: '''No, I tell you the best thing that's gonna happen is you're gonna come to my house right now and you're gonna pick this junk of crap up and bring me a new one! '''William: '''Well, sir, you know, uh, I'll let you talk to the manager, umm- '''Milton: '''Plus, for my trouble, I have a list of demands! '''William: ''(chuckles) Sir, you're gonna have to talk to the manager for your list of demands- '''Milton: '''I want a new stereo, I want a big screen TV, I want a microwave oven, and I want a Sony Playstation for my son Chauncey! You get me all these items, plus the new VCR, we avoid litigation! '''William: '''Well, sir, hang on. I'll transfer you to the manager. '''Milton: '''Yeah, that'd be a good idea! Huh, brain surgeon?! ''(Milton waits for a bit) William: 'Sir? '''Milton: '''Yes! '''William: '''All right, I'm supposed to get your number and the manager is gonna call you right back- '''Milton: '''Not good enough! '''William: '''Well, sir, I have nothing else to tell you. '''Milton: '''Listen to this! ''(Milton pushes the eject button again) 'Milton: '''Do you hear that?! '''William: '''Yes! '''Milton: '''I keep pushing the button! ''(Milton pushes the eject button again) 'Milton: '''Push, push, push, pushing! VCR eject button! And I got crud and slime coming out! Hello? '''William: '''I'm here! '''Milton: '''Well, why aren't ya talking?! '''William: '''Because I have nothing to say, sir. '''Milton: '''How can you have nothing to say?! You were all "yap, yap, yap"- '''William: '''Sir, listen to me! '''Milton: '''What?! '''William: '''You're sitting on the phone, you're chewing me out, I have nothing to do with this, and-you know, the least you should do-I'm trying to help you. You should have a little respect for me trying to help you. '''Milton: '''Well, listen here! You guys are all "yap, yap, yap-trap" while you were trying to sell me this thing, but now I got food coming out of the VCR slot! You're trying to just shove me right off like I got some kind of a deadly ebola virus! '''William: '''Sir, we're not gonna get nothing resolved with you calling me names, calling the store names, or anything like that. '''Milton: '''I'm not taking the trip down there! I'm not getting back on my Hoveround! I want you to come to my house, pick up this junk of crap, and bring me the things on my list of demands! '''William: '''Well, sir, you need to talk to a manager for that. I can't say yes to that. '''Milton: '''What's the matter? You can't make your own decisions? '''William: '''Yes, I can make my own decisions, sir- '''Milton: '''What, are you braindead or something? '''William: '''You know, sir, if you're gonna keep this up- '''Milton: '''I think you're an imbecile. I'd like to take this VCR and just whack it right over your head! '''William: '''Sir, I don't have to listen to this... ''(William's manager, Bob, enters) '''Bob: ''(in the background) Give me the phone, give me the phone... ''(William hands Bob the phone) 'Bob: '''Hi, I'm Bob Agunta. I'm the manager here, and I'm not gonna let you speak to my employees that way. '''Milton: '''Oh, really? Hey, Bob! You're a fairy! Listen to my VCR! ''(Milton pushes the eject button again) 'Milton: '''It's got all kinds of food and crap jammed inside! You're a loser! '''Bob: '''You know what, sir? Bring the VCR...back to the store...and I'll shove it up your ''(censored)! 'Milton: '''Oh, now that's service after the sale! '''Bob: '''Goodbye, ''(censored)! (Bob angrily hangs up) '' ''(ringback tone) Category:Prank calls